Why I never posted one photo of myself pregnant

When I was pregnant, I never posted updates online and I didn’t share one picture of my cute little baby bump.

This was probably because deep down I was ashamed of my pregnancy. When I was young I always pictured myself being happily married and then having kids. I even found a letter recently that I wrote to myself in third grade reminding me to get married before I have kids because that is how it is “supposed” to be.

Being Catholic it was always taught to me that a child out of marriage was a sin and nothing to celebrate. At about two months pregnant I knew I would be seeing my parents so I took the opportunity to tell them in person. Let’s just say their reaction was not too comforting.

I felt like a failure. I wanted to be this perfect person and a baby during college was not in my blueprint for success.

Granted, my college experience was a bit different from a traditional one, but I still wanted to fit in. The morning I took my pregnancy test I was actually very hungover. The night before I finally got an invite out to the bars with some of my classmates. That was my one and only night out with peers.

I had just left the military one month before and was trying to figure out my identity without the Navy. Now I had to figure out my role as a mother. I was 23, I barely knew who I was as a person.

I also felt so much guilt. My entire life I knew I wanted to be a mother. It is the dream so many women have and never get to experience. & here I am pregnant and ungrateful.

Alcohol was a crutch I could not rely on anymore. Drinking was such a fundamental part of my life that I truly felt like a different person without it. Alcohol was my juvenile tool to being able to socialize, relax, and cope with life’s problems.

So, I hid it from the world. I dreaded having to tell people because I knew their unspoken opinions would roll around in my head for days. My bump was tiny enough where I could hide it. I didn’t tell any of my professors at school and only one of my classmates knew. Most people did not find out until the day she was born.

I didn’t want an announcement. I didn’t want a gender reveal. I didn’t want a babyshower. Any attention on me at the time would cause me to spiral. I did not realize it at the time, but I was in such a deep depression. I needed help that my pride would not let me get.

I did eventually feel the support from both my family and my partner’s family, however I was in such a dark place that their positive light did not reach me. My partner was also supportive, but I felt like I was a burden. This was his second unplanned pregnancy and he was struggling with the idea on his own.

I am now so unbelievably happy to be a mother. Even though she is such a tough child who fights sleep, I wouldn’t trade her for the world. I wish I could go back and tell myself that it would all work out and that it is okay to reach out for help. It is okay to talk about your feelings and let people know you are not doing well.

So here is my official pregnancy announcement:

We are PREGNANT!!! My due date is June 15th. It is a girl, we are going to name her Avrielle Carson (Avvy for short). She is a very healthy girl and excited to meet the world. Blake cannot wait to be the best big sister ever!